That’s right people, I am at home on vacation soaking in the hours of sleeping in, masha’Allah (which I have discovered, sadly is only an hour or two past my normal waking hour for work. But at least I can catch up with all that nice trashy daytime television).

Discoveries I have made so far, which yes, involved shopping thanks to a generous donation from a friend to cheer me up, alhumdulillah, just in case you think I wasn’t being thrifty in my purchases, which I am! Until I’m given a green sum to spoil myself with after years of like not, masha’Allah:

1. Used Wii Video Games. That’s right people, and a Lightsaber for $4.99! Ohhhhh yeah!!! Pac-Man Party, Epic Mickey, Star Wars Clone Wars, Transformers Dark-of-the-Moon, Need for Speed Pro Street, Game Party 3 (I miss playing pool, and yes I ordered the cue from DX.com. And steering wheel. Ah, man, I just realized I forgot to order the golf club. Sheesh), and Punch-Out!! Woooo!!! Biggest win was Lightsaber at a discount. Oh yeah… and all the games for $14.99! Wooo! I haven’t touched my Wii in months, partly because I’m too lazy to fitnessize myself. Okay. Entirely because of that. Time for some funnnnnnnnnn… Insha’Allah.

2. The smell of a fresh jigsaw puzzle. Eurographics, Ricardi, Cobble Hill, and another company I can’t remember being the top ones. I’m pretty excited to do Van Gogh’s Irises as I was completing Cobble Hill’s Awash but got stuck on the sky part):

3. Davids Teas: oh yes, 30 pouches of flavours, just ain’t enough. And my winners are, my lovelies:

1. Organic Eyptian Chamomile
2. Coffee Pu’erh
3. Three Lemon Green (Organic)
4. Genmaicha (LOVE YOU!)
5. Chocolate Chili Chai (sooooo goood)
6. Pumpkin Chai
7. Organic Green Seduction
8. Checkmate
9. Fired Up Fennel
10. Organic Strawberry White
11. Chocolate Rocket
12. Honey Bee
13. Pom Power (oh boy is this thing powerful)
14. Golden Pu’erh (organic)
15. La La Lemon (organic)
16. Long Life Oolong
17. Vanilla Oolong (it’s been too long!)
18. Cherry Potion (you cast a spell over me, you do!)
19. Cream of Earl Grey (organic)
20. Cranberry Pear
21. Forever Nuts (nuts for you I am!)
22. Midsummer Night’s Dream
23. Happy Kombucha
24. Honeybush Lemon Ginger (organic)
25. Amaretto (I think I’m in love)
26. Organic Sweet Dreams
27. Chai Guarana
28. Kenyan Tinderet
29. Earl Grey
20. The Glow (my new love!)

4. Corel Painter 12: let’s just say that Painter and I have some geniousity to draw up, which brings me to #5

5. Books! Oh yeah, gift certificates people! Awaiting eagerly in the mail: Drawing Words, Writing Pictures dw-wp.com by Matt and Jessica (Amazon.ca); Thinking About Memoir by Abigail Thomas (Amazon.ca); and Co-Active Coaching by Laura Whitworth from Indigo. Let’s just say these bad boys have led to my creative genius (or I’d like to call it that), masha’Allah and I’m super excited to have these sources of power! And Allah, of course, next to me. Ameen!

6. Milk Frother for $21, amazon.ca. After experiencing a latté and incredible generosity from colleagues at $5 a day, alhumdulillah (one of the reasons why I stay at work. To socialize. Masha’Allah). So yes, Aerolatte has the best reviews, and comes with a stand! Woo!

7. Related to this, is a tea kettle! Woo hoo! Also on sale for like twenty bucks, hello Oster! It’s pretty and chromey and I assume the shut off button works as my used one that I got from a colleague two years ago keeps boiling infinitely. I can use the cruddy one at work, and keep the chromey one at home. Woo hoo! And apparently it’s quieter too, which would help in my cooking videos. Insha’Allah. Masha’Allah.

8. I finally got a crock pot! And only $17! Wooo! Thanks to my lovely gift from my friend, I’m spending frugally, alhumdulillah, on items that I have been wanting to make this home feel like a home.

9. Speaking of which, I splurged a whole $3.20 to get this adorable Domo-Kun Toilet paper cover! I couldn’t resist…

10. Lastly, as I still haven’t been brave enough to go into cheaper and nicer jewelry stores to buy myself a ring, I opted for a $1.50 Kitties Bracelet instead. So cute! And yes, it’s for kids, but whatever! My wrists are tiny. Masha’Allah. Heck, I think my fingers are too tiny for adult size 6 rings. Sigh. Alhumdulillah.

There are now a few more days left until my staycation is over, and so far so good I think. Today I’m Wii-ing and writing an article on Etiquette to Converts for a better and more exciting magazine, insha’Allah, who has a much more supportive editor with a more realistic and similar vision of presenting convert issues in a real but kind way, alhumdulillah, insha’Allah, tabarak’Allah.

I’m encouraged, despite the doors shut, that the right ones will open, insha’Allah. Even if it’s in a room by myself, I don’t feel alone. It’s like God is with you whenever you smile and remember Him. He is there when nobody knows how you feel, and takes care of you when everyone has left you. There is something so beautiful in being close to God that nothing, and nobody can defeat you. Alhumdulillah.

People will try to break you, tease you, insult you, and berate you. But none of it matters because really, such individuals are acting out of pain, hurt, fear, and anger. We are all subject to these dark emotions, our dark side. The difference is whether or not we recognize it for what it is, and repel it with good instead. May the force be with you. Ameen.

The more I learn about how to love myself, the more I can see why doors close when they do. It’s like, I give love and can’t expect love in return but that doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve love. Kind of like meeting like-minded people who believe in the principles of generosity and kindness themselves. It’s just who you are, what you practice and where you hope to become. That level of effortless giving, reactive forgiveness, and proactive altruism. It is a peace I have found in these hills thanks to the calm of a much slower city. Even the mountains take their time to breathe. Alhumdulillah for everything.

It struck me that people will do what they want to do with their lives and all you can do is wish them well along their merry way. These ferries that pass us by, who have delighted us with their presence. Somehow, it doesn’t matter whether or not they stay in your life, because their warmth of soul and words have already permeated somehow. It’s more love than I can feel, this catch and release, and yet it fills you up more than any purchase, place, or possibility I have kept in my life. Subhana’Allah.

Nothing is forever in life. Nope, not even my top ten above. People die, places fade, and possessions give away. What really holds us is how we made each other feel. Did we save a life with a smile? Or pray for someone who never asks? Can we forget about what we want in reminding ourselves what God wants. I think this holds the key to contentment, insha’Allah. Ameen.

Song: “You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go”, Miley Cyrus

P.S. Chapter 4: The Promise for White Chapters available at http://archiveofourown.org/works/341350/chapters/552694

What made this movie remarkable was the story line. It wasn’t perfect. Their story together. If anything, it was down right difficult. And yet somehow, given our circumstances all over again, we would make the same choices. Life is funny that way isn’t it? Given freedom to choose, we would select the same decisions, people, situations, and outcomes, insha’Allah.

A lesson that resonates with me is that you can’t make decisions for other people. It is ultimately up to them to decide what they wish to do. You can’t tell someone not to love you. It is their choice if they want to. I can’t help who I love or don’t care for. It was placed in my heart by God, so Allah help me. It’s like a weed, or a rose? Thorns and all, I’m still mesmerized by its beauty even if it’s never meant to be mine. My decision. I choose what I want to do with these feelings and it’s up to God when and if they disappear. Maybe years will pass, journeys will have moved on, and I will remain on this island content with my white lily. Somehow I find peace in that. Insha’Allah.

Love is not about gaining someone in your life. Or letting go of the heartfelt moments. Life is about the moments of love you have felt and cherish in your heart. No ending can take that away. It’s a matter of simply is. I don’t know why but there is a smile in my insides that warm up when you let go of the idea of wanting what you want and you simply accept things the way it is. Insha’Allah.

It’s like instead of fighting fate, you just go with it. Flow along with it. It’s not about getting what you want, but liking what you get. Whatever shape it comes in. Alhumdulillah. No matter what, God is always there. Because even with the loving husband, beautiful children, and cozy home, none of it matters compared to the comfort of God, His everlasting love, and infinite support. Subhan’Allah.

Losing everything, being devastated by some things, and torn apart by cruel things, you learn that nothing matters more than Him. It almost feels like being alone is easier than having someone to lose.

The Vow was a beautiful story that someone can accept you for who you are instead of who they want you to be; a heart that has captured yours whose meant to be; and, a story of gaining who you are with perhaps someone beside you who walks you along the way. That’s love I think. Nothing short of wishes for what you hope to come true. Ameen.

Pink!

Red!

White!

I love LOVE Day! Well, not sure why. I mean, I thought I would be more miserable than I thought but for some reason, but alhumdulillah, I realize it’s a day to express love more than usual. To everyone! Loved the Google.ca video, so cute! I think it’s a day to celebrate self-love, love for someone, and love for human kind. Love. Love. Love!

Man, if we focused on the good we can love from each other, I think this world would be such a difference place. Even the ‘worst’ people can shine at times I think. Above all, it’s a good reminder once a year to appreciate the love we have in our lives, however far or long ago. More importantly, to focus on the present, even the one person we have in our lives, even if it’s just ourselves, that we love, support, and cherish.

Forget being sad, celebrate I say! Even if it’s only with yourself, by yourself, singing songs of hopeful dreams. I think love isn’t limited to couples, I think it extends to friendships, families, colleagues, and even strangers we meet. It can’t be possessed, contained, or even tainted when it’s pure, generous, and golden. It’s like an amoeba that grows and moves where it wants to. It can shower you with pink or leave you in the grey. But when it does come, you take comfort in its shelter for however long.

It’s not about the history of it, nor the Hallmark behind it, I think there is good in a holiday that reminds us to be kind, loving, and sweet to each other. Whatever your situation, however lonely you are, take care of your heart and the hearts entrusted to you for all the days of our lives. Ameen.

One of the best gifts someone can give you is well wishes, masha’Allah. More than any present or fondue with cheese or chocolate dinner, although that is nice too and God help me if the reduction does not evaporate, is the pleasantries of conversation that we seek in the kindnesses of words and remarks to each other in what we observe to be true. Our sincere perceptions of goodness collected in working with one another, interacting with each other, and articulated freely. Discourse, discussion, and conversations of positive truths is one of the best surprises one can receive, alhumdulillah.

Tonight, I was spoiled alhumdulillah, by such gracious reminders that all the nonsense I observe, and all the ridiculousness I persevere through is a testimony to my grit of character to get through it all despite the lack of appreciation, human reward, and professional behavior. Masha’Allah, alhumdulillah, tabarak’Allah. By having someone acknowledge how not easy it is to be strong, and how strong you are when things aren’t easy, well, it adds to my push for another day somehow. That maybe with all my weak moments, and less-than-glamorous-potty-mouth at times (God forgive me), that my frustrations aren’t unrecognized.

That with every mustard seed of difficulty, and every prick of pain from pricks you feel, there is a reward. If not in this life, Dear God I hope it’s in the Hereafter.

Three years nearly in this city and I can’t think of anything that isn’t problematic within it, and yet I love it anyhow, insha’Allah, tabarak’Allah, masha’Allah, alhumdulillah. Because despite the insane employers, catty colleagues, early closures of Starbucks by 6pm (what is that anyways), and lack of competitive customer service and professional work ethic in general, I still love this city, insha’Allah. Despite the lack of friendships, connections, Muslim communityness-for-me or Muslims-in-general, and the like, I am here for a reason because God told me so. Yes, that’s right. Read that istikhiraa. Just like many other questions I have had, for some reason I am clearly meant to stay here despite my best attempts to think I want to leave, God just shuts that down in me somehow. So what am I suppose to do about it. Insha’Allah.

The very thought of returning to my home city makes me shudder. Old headaches, wary reminders, difficult streets, same relations, and the like, I don’t feel like I belong there anymore. I don’t think I belong anywhere. The difference is that I’m meant to be in this city for now, insha’Allah. However many years or decades, I really don’t know, but I’m not worried about it either, alhumdulillah, insha’Allah, tabarak’Allah. Call it laziness because my furniture is much too heavy, masha’Allah, but I finally, FINALLY built a home for myself after my divorce, and the last thing I want to do is uproot everything again like I’m some kind of backpack traveller. Masha’Allah.

Crash, and burn. It’s like an airplane running out of fuel, colliding into an island. You come out, dazed, confused, and feeling ship wrecked. Your plane, torn to shreds, burned to ashes. You feel like crying, but there isn’t any time to. You have to go out, and build. Find the wood, make a tent, feed yourself coconuts. You strive, learn, and wait. You look up, and see birds flying above you, and all you can do is look at the sand in front of you. Not much is needed, just water, food, and shelter, and yet you starve for companionship. But looking around, you realize that you are all alone. Just you. Nobody else is coming.

I am an island. I connect with others, and yet I’m surrounded by water. Tears of my past. Flows of my yesterdays that lift me up to where I am today. I cannot venture out because I am craving comfort and familiarity. I no longer want to fly. I just want to stay, in my cave, and wait for God to come get me.

But it’s not that simple. Eventually, your heart does desire something different. But when you remember that horrendous accident, the flames of pain, and dizziness from confusion, your thirst is quenched by remembrance. You no longer crave a companion, you simply want to die inside so that living doesn’t become so difficult. Like a stake through the heart, nothing feels as good as living without feeling because when you do feel all that comes is the agony of memory.

Only new love can stop the bleeding. Only God can erase the trauma. But this takes time. Bridges to be built, communities to be borne. Everything takes longer than expected, and nothing ever works out quite as planned. And yet, somehow we can only understand the dots we create by connecting them backwards. May our spots in life always be of beneficial contentment, successful ease, and bucket-filling wonder. Ameen.

In learning about coaching, one of the first lessons you get is that it’s not about you. Yup. That’s right. It’s not about your knowledge, or years of wisdom and so forth. It is all about the client. Your warmth, empathy, respect, and genuinity to listen to where they are at in life and supporting, normalizing and validating their experiences, as according to Carl Rogers (1957) and the Albert R. Roberts Model of Crisis Intervention (2002).

From a resiliency point-of-view therefore, while I appreciate understanding the basic tenets of Islam and my Chinese heritage that you do as you are told, I’m confused as to why we feel the need to overload converts with too much information about Islam within a very short amount of time. I mean, the sahabah had like 14 years to understand tawheed before certain bans including alcohol was brought down  (also due to lack of irrigation systems making fresh water more deadly than alcohol for consumption during those times), why is it that we feel such heavy burdens of knowledge is enough to anchor them into their practice. In fact, the same converts in my Muslim class nine years ago have now diverted into the different paths before them anyways which means that all the information does little to permeate into the hearts.

I mean the spread of Islam was due to the character and simplicity of the truth of no god but God which was shared from the Prophet, peace be upon him to Bilaal who converted based on this truth alone, and yes, that Muhammad, pbuh is the last messenger. Why do we make things so very complicated with tons of books, websites, opinions, events, conferences, and the like. I mean, does it really add to the long term practice of a convert? From my experiences in hearing tons of stories, and an advertising media background alhumdulillah, our personal experiences with each other have the most impact, and have the power to negate any huge expensive seminars we have attended.

For instance, you attend a lovely conference with amazing speakers. Hooray. During the course of your conversion to more Islamic ways, you encounter numerous personal difficulties with Muslims around you. Which example will have more of an impact on you? What is idealized and promoted versus what is personally experienced as being valid, regardless of the subjective experience.

To my dismay, it is the latter that is given more credibility and weight than the former. That is to say that while we hear beautiful surahs and wonderful hadeeths, they fall flat when slapped by rejection from members of the Muslim community. This can include ostracism, bullying, targeted comments, or even harsh criticisms disguised as corrections. While some may identify with such treatment, the majority of converts are quite impressionable and vulnerable in their new status of adoption. Orphaned from their old life, and kicked out of their current one. The identity crisis or confusion as to who we are, can be quite overwhelming to the point that old comforts just seem to fit that much more easily.

To save us though, it also only takes one. An individual who expresses they care about us, respect and care for us, as well as love us for who we are, whatever percentage of practice we choose to have because verily only Allah knows what’s in our hearts. If we could promote the idea of kindness to each other to help forgive the cruelties from others, learning will naturally occur as an intrinsic motivation. This would also mean more everlasting lessons and deeper effects in absorbing the material we are given. But perhaps it would be even better to disperse information slowly over a number of years and according to the level of priority.

I don’t know everything, but in watching my convert friends, one after another, leave the close folds of Islam because of negative experiences, it becomes apparent to me that something has to change. Whether it be as simple as encouraging forgiveness to be spoken even when we don’t believe ourselves to be wrong or simply reminding ourselves to make 70 excuses for each other, this is a reminder to myself first. In addition, I think it’s important we also steer clear of negative influences to our practice. It is difficult enough trying to practice our balance of fear and hope without someone tilting it off kilter. But in doing so, it often leads to isolation and ostracism, solutions which perhaps can be found in connecting with others at a distance, insha’Allah.

Loneliness exists in both spheres of Islam and outside of it. The difference is the type of loneliness we feel. It isn’t easy to be inside this cave, but at the same time I feel it’s necessary to lick my wounds that heal with new experiences. In recently venturing out, I was kicked again but this time it pushed me to do something better with my life than the examples I have seen around me. Instead of falling down, I must get back up and evolve my ideas to be even better than what I have experienced.

Change starts with me, and in finding sustainable strategies to encourage the support for each other, I must remember that every point is a learning experience to sharpen my game. In having doors slammed in my face, I humbly step to another one beside me. And in being rejected so many times, I can better empathize with those who are unique and special just like me, insha’Allah, masha’Allah. Ameen.

Anything good is from Allah, and anything bad that I have written I seek forgiveness.

Remind myself to breathe,
Breathe.

This is what life happens,
Absorb.

Everything will be okay,
Stand.

Give away to the fear,
Stare down.

What was meant to happen is here,
Sit calmly.

Rest away from the panic and believe,
Love all.

When you feel abandoned and alone,
Seek God.

Doors close and memories fade,
Treasure Good.

Movement does not wait, it just is,
Place Heart.

Take a hand in what is dealt,
Be Brave.

Walk next to where you kneel,
Pray Mighty.

Ameen.

… you learn to trust your instincts. That after all that running around, you realize that whatever God inspired you to do, following a different path just isn’t for you. That you must stay true to the vision you have in mind because well, you can contribute to others but that still leaves your heart unfulfilled.

When things get complicated, messy, and different from what you had hoped, you begin to realize only you know you. God knows you better of course, but you are you, and nobody can be you so stop trying to expect this from people. Because when you do, it’s unrealistic.

Back to the drawing board, literally. Time to focus back on what I had set out to do initially which means all the hard work falls back on me, insha’Allah, come mid March when I’m ready. I think part of the problem women have is believing that males can do it better. But in fact, it’s not about anyone else. It’s about what you believe to be the right thing to create, make, and distribute. This is ultimately why it’s important to work with what you know best, and move on from there. Somehow being an administrator isn’t the only role I hope to have. I want to be a creator of stuff too, insha’Allah. Maybe I need more patience.

Moving along, you have to be yourself and pay attention to how you feel about something. If you have preferences in how you wish to conduct your life, believe in it, and stick to your principles. It is unfortunate if by doing this you may offend people inadvertently along the way, but this is a reflection of them, not you. We must be stronger, as women, and men, to stand our ground for what we believe is right. I think it’s time to move on and focus on what I believe to be true instead of trying to convince others to come along my way.

There is still good in paths that are laid before you, but the difference is if you are still maintaining your sense of self. What do you want to do with your life? What were your goals? If you can remember this amongst the sea of voices telling you what to do, then hold onto your true voice and let that sing out in your life. Authentic. Unique. Be empowered to be all that you want to be, of course without hurting others in the process.

I will keep building, various Lego blocks, and know that I must trust and believe in my visions and dreams if I am ever to be content with the way I have lived my life, insha’Allah. Ameen.

So I’m chatting with my colleague this morning, alhumdulillah, and she reminds me that “we all have issues,” as we were discussing foster kids and the stereotypes towards them. Or the biases I feel are imposed on them. She reminded me that agencies look to match you with the right level of challenge, and there are absolutely sweet and adorable foster children, insha’Allah (and yes, the darling three girls from Despicable Me do come to mind).

She reminded me that the key is that you want to learn and grow, that you don’t think you know it all (like some parents), and you are open to feedback. My reply is that often I find kids are treated with such disrespect, that it breaks my heart somehow. Yes, there is discipline but in a fun, loving, assertive and at times nicely firm way without being neurotic, vengeful, abusive, and insulting. As my friend tells me, I remember what it was like to feel hurt as a kid, that I definitely don’t want to do that to another, insha’Allah. Or that if it was pointed out to me, I would like to become better, insha’Allah.

My colleague reminds me, alhumdulillah, that she believes in me. That it is a rewarding experience even when you lose all your spare time, energy, and sleep. It reminds me of the moments I have spent with a five year old in a town nearby for so many years, and despite his wailing-to-the-point-my-brain-will-implode; countless items he throws at you by ‘accident’; numerous times he doesn’t wash his hands after using the lou; dishes he’s smashed, milk he has spilt, and ants that he has fed, he gives me that adorable look, and it’s like all my headaches wash away, alhumdulillah. That there is nothing more important than being there for him, no matter how many times he has tried to drive you crazy. By the will of God, I have like this patience within me alhumdulillah, perhaps because of my own struggles, that I identify with issues these kids have, insha’Allah. I see a lot of me, in them. Insha’Allah.

Remember, I hope, that there are challenges but there are rewards too. Nothing will mature you more than something like this. No job. No degree. The knocks of life when being knocked by a kid teaches you patience, forgiveness, and steadfastness in modelling appropriate behavior, and encouraging the same within them. Ah heck, I like to make things fun, alhumdulillah. I’m like this zany, sing and dance, find a way to make it fun kind of person because well, it’s really tough being a kid. I can’t imagine what it’s like being told what to do, being ordered around, constantly have someone towering over you. I just want to be a parental figure who cares, loves, accepts, and guides because in many ways, it is a growing a part of myself that hasn’t been nurtured. Insha’Allah.

If we can accept our own issues, than we begin to realize that we ALL have issues. They aren’t scary. They make us who we are, beautiful warts and all. By loving our scars, we can begin to heal as well. Insha’Allah. Ameen.