Since I was in grade shortie, I remember dreading Father’s Day.
A constant reminder that I don’t have one.
Oh wait.
I do.
I just don’t know where he is.
Here?
There?
Do I dread the hundreds of posts about how great a father is, while I wallow in lack of my own. Will everyone leave me, I ask my infant self.
Do I appreciate my step-father who glared at me from the kitchen table every night while I cried from his hate into my rice bowl.
Am I to remember my third father as breaking my mother’s heart with his obligations towards his own mother, or be grateful he was so kind in his patience with her.
Maybe I should relish in meeting my biological father when I was five with a mean step-mother who pinched me.
Lost my butterfly ring gift. Gold. Hollow.
Or last visit when I was 15 years old, being passed a birthday hundred dollar bill, some cheques, and being told to leave him alone. “No address, cause you’ll stalk me,” he says.
Yeah.
But this will only serve to better me, insha’Allah. IF I ever husband myself up again, I’ll be sure that he’s a great father figure. The kind who will be there. Trustworthy, humorous, and easygoing but firm with children (no spanking, just speaking kindly).
Lacking a healthy role model, doesn’t make me any less successful in relationships, according to some experts, however, it has definitely meant certain areas not as well developed in my life.
Then again, some are also scarred from having father figures in their life. So maybe, somehow, this was a blessing in disguise.
So when people ask me where I’m from. And I really don’t know where 50% of of my DNA comes from (asking my mother only hurts single motherhood struggles), I just make stuff up.
Malaysia?
North China?
Thailand? Or Singapore?
It’s probably why it hurts so much when strangers in the Muslim community just come up, without introducing themselves, blurt, “so where you from?!”.
Short of slapping snapping at them, I just smile say, “Toronto.”
Source: http://www.expatads.com/-4-Free-Classifieds/posts/14-Pets-Animals/29-Buy-Sell-Pets/page159.html
May it be a time of celebration for great fathers, comfort for those who miss theirs, and coziness for all those in between.
Source: http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/1032113–u-k-kitten-resembling-hitler-waits-for-adoption
Ameen.
Having not grown up with my biological father, I empathize with you. Lovely post as usual.
Awww… wow.. that’s good to know as you are like, real well-rounded, with a family, and great sense of humor! That gives me hope! No more poopy thoughts, Pink.
Pink.
Oh, we all have our share of poopy thoughts. But only you have the best kitties around to tackle them.
LOLOL.. yeah, the one in the cement crack broke my heart, soooo cute and sad! Geez… these kittens… they evoke and display human emotion so accurately. Much more cutely of course. Makes me feel less poopy.
Pink.
PINK………….I SEND YOU ALL MY HEART ………
BIG TEARS WHILST READING THIS ……….
MUCH MUCH LOVE ……
YOU ARE A COURAGEOUS WOMAN ……..
AND TELL YOUR STORY WITH SO MUCH CANDOUR -HONESTY AND WILL ……
I TOTALLY THINK YOU ARE AMAZING AND COZY AND SOOOO BEAUTIFUL …………
MY HEART GOES OUT ………..>>TO YOU ……
AND SEE HOW YOU ENDED YOUR POST ………:) WITH SUCH BEAUTY …….:)
MUCH LOVE ALWAYS HONEY …………………..HUGE HUGS ………………..
I AM WITH YOU …. EVERY STEP ………:)
YOUR FRIEND ….IN PINK DAYS – IN BLUE DAYS ,,,,,IN ALL THE COLOURS OF THE RAINBOW DAYS ……..
CAT XO
Awww.. thank you soooo much. My have watery eyes in reading your love… Thank you sooo much.. Each line did make tissues soak a bit. It’s so good to get this out. I realize if something is nudging at me for a few days, I must release this, in the most gracious way possible but with kind honesty too.
HUGS for your PINKNESS in my BLUEY HUES
Pink.
TOTALLY UNDERSTAND ……YEAH FOR SURE ………..NUDGING IN THE HEART MEANS WRITE IT ……:) I TOTALLY GET THAT …………
AND YOU SO DID THAT WITH GRACE AND HONESTY ,…………………….:)
AND YOUR OWN WAY – YOUR OWN INDIVIDUALITY ………..
WHICH IS BEAUTIFUL – YOUR OWN STYLE OF WORDING HOW YOUR HEART FEELS …..
HUGGS ALWAYS – BECAUSE ALL COLOURS MEAN SOMETHING …..:)
YOU HAVE TOTALLY QUIETED MY HEART TODAY …….
THANK YOU FOR THAT – IN A COZY WAY …………..:)
MUCH LOVE – AND BRILLIANT GRACEFUL STATEMENT ……………
PINK- BLUE- YELLOW ————I AM HERE
XOXOXOXO
Awww! Your Pink for my Blue is the Yellow hope that floats. Wowee, quieted your heart, that’s amazing! And yes, I must pay attention to the nudging. Maybe this writing isn’t just for me anymore, but for angels like you too. That will encourage me to keep on sharing, instead of hiding behind timid shy lights.
Hugs soooo much… You helped me to crack this pink shell.
Pink.
WRITING IS FOR ALL OF US RIGHT ?
WE ALL INSPIRE AND ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER ……….. SOME PEOPLE GRAVITATE TO ONE ANOTHER ………TIMING ? I DUNNO ……. IT DID QUIET MY HEART A LOT …
SO THANK YOU ….MADE ME THINK OF MY DAD – WHOM IS IN OTTAWA …..AND SPENT MOST OF MY CHILDHOOD WORKING AND TAKING TONS OF TRIPS ………… HE WAS WORKING FOR THE CANADIAN CONSULATE AND WE MOVED A TON – SO THAT WAS KINDA THE WAY LIFE WAS – HE WAS AWAY ……A LOT ….. AND MAKES ME SEE NOW THAT I LOOK FOR A “NOT AWAY ” MAN IN LIFE NOW ……
I AM SUPER GRATEFULLL FOR MY PARENTS – SUPER ….
BUT YOU MADE ME REALIZE SO MUCH IN THIS STATEMENT
ESPECIALLY THE ONE ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP PART …STATS AND ALL ….
I AM DIVORCED – I THINK I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY ….5 YEARS NOW ……..
AND HE WAS KINDA AN AWAY HUMAN AS WELL ………..
SO GETTING BACK TO THE COZYNESS OF LIFE . THE CLOSENESS OF EVERYTHING AND HOW WE ARE ALL HERE TO HELP ONE ANOTHER – WHETHER WE REALIZE IT OR NOT …..
WE DO
JUST BY SHOWING UP
XX
SO MANY HUGGS –
XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXO
C
Your presence is proof that angels do exist. And intimacy is such a tough thing to gauge when we first get married. It’s what makes us wiser. Our marriage invisibles is a badge of bravery for taking that leap of faith with someone. People change. Places don’t. And where you stand for yourself, and what a relationship means to you is very important. Often, I find, hearts walk different directions, and we often find new faces as a result of it. Keep showing your beauty, for I KNOW it will shine in the right direction.
Hugzzzzzzz
Pink.
I AM SPEECHLESS
REALLY SPEECHLESS…………
XX
I AM GONNA MAKE SOME FOOD AND COME BACK WITH ,……..MORE WORDS …….AND LOVE ………..XOXO
Love to you! Words are what we feel, not just what we say, so speechless is great reply.
Make some lovely foodies for your lovely heart! 
Pink.
HI LOVE ,.,,,,,,,,
NUDGE NUDGE ,,,,,
HOPE YOU ARE HAVING AN AWESOME DAY XOXOXO……..
Awww.. thank you for this nudge! Hugss!!!! I appreciate it so very much!
Pink.
Nudge back!
U ARE SO SWEET XO
from where you come?…you come from love, loveland…my dear friend
HAHA.. LOVELAND! LOVE it! That’s AWESOME! I should say that instead of Toronto. HAHA.. That’s awesome! See the bewildered look on their face. HAHAH.. That’s a great one, thank you!
Hugs my lovely friend!
Pink.
Reblogged this on Fringe of the Ummah.
Salam alaykom sister.
What an amazing post you have.
Reading this post reminds me of my fathers as well.
I also have a step father.
I thought it is only me who was born to be someone’s stepdaughter.
And start to think life wasn’t fair to me.
Exploring your story, it is such an eye opener.
You totally an inspiration to others.
BTW Im glad you quote MALAYSIA there.
Im from Malaysia btw.
Looking forward to hear from you soon.
xoxo Moots
Walaikum asalam,
Wowee, you’re an inspiration to me to continue to share my bluey hues, in hopes to remind us of the yellow undertones of our life.
I’m so thankful to Allah for giving me the words to help you see how pinkful your life truly is, if not always. And yes, Malaysia! I think I have some roots in there somewhere. People continuously ask if I am, and from your blog, I do look a lot like such. HAHA.. You never know. 
I’ll add Mongolian too maybe. HAHA.. 
Hugssssss and prayers to you and your family,
Pink.
Such a sad post and sad photos! But thank you for sharing them with us
Yeah… it’s funny, I don’t know which was sadder, the story or the photos! Geez these kittens… They are like tissues to the soul.
Thank you soooo much for your support 
Pink.
Your words look light on paper, but are heavy from the heart. Pink, you’ve outdone yourself, girl. This is outstanding writing. I’ve found that the best written material is always written by an author or poet ( or muscian or artist)…who is crying with a broken piece of their heart. The best writing comes from that place. You express HUGE emotion and tell an amazingly painful story in a short, concise, efficient way. As a reader, I appreciate that kind of writing. And as a writer…and a woman….I thank you for being brave enough to show me that place in your heart and to expose it right out loud for everyone to see. Great job! And, Pink…..thank you. xo Julia
Wow, you definitely deserve the Commentator Award for your words that see the truth of who I am. It’s such a load that I feel burdening my readers is unfair, but then the cathartic epiphany comes, and each post (somehow) is a transcendence of the trauma into a much better place. But definitely, it starts with the pain, and somehow, sentences later, it cocoons into something else. Your support is my butterfly. Thank you soooo much… So great to know that my heavy emotion can come out light and right.
Hugssss!!!!!
Hi, Pink, that’s one extremely touching piece! But your sincerity and honesty, make it outstanding! Thank you for sharing your heart to us. More power!
Awwww… thank you sooo much! Honest writing is such a tough climb because it means digging deep, and I really benefited from Abigail Thomas’ book, “Thinking About Memoir.” And from support like yourself! I’m sooo looking forward to reading more of you too!
Pink.
i love writing and reading memoir. Honestly, for me, it’s the easiest, yet meaningful way, to touch our readers’ hearts. and my favorite memoirist, is NY’s David Sedaris. But on that amazing piece of yours, believe me, you really did so great = ) so kudos! and thank u = )
Thank you so much for connecting with me! David’s bio is definitely interesting, wowee! “The Rock Star of Writers” wiki calls him. Thank you so much for the encouragement to open up more. Sometimes, I’m like, whose gonna wanna read this. And then I realize, I do. Even if just for me. So that when I’m old and senile one day, I can turn back to this as a collection of my memories. Both nice and less so. Thank you for being part of that memory.
Pink.
PINK—- ME AGAIN ….:)
THANK YOU FOR TODAY ……..
REALLY REALLY SPECIAL DAY WITH YOU -
THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU CONVEY AND ARE -
THERE WAS THIS GIANT STORM – IT WAS CRAZY – THEIR WAS HARD RAIN AND I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIL ON THE BALCONY !
YOU HAVE REALLY NUDGED MY HEART TODAY …..THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT ……
INTO A COZIER THAN EVER NEW PLACE …………
A PLACE OF NOT ONLY UNIVERSAL LOVE – BUT MAYBE THOUGHT OF LOVE – FOR ME ……:)
U KNOW …:)
YOU INSPIRED ME TO LOOK INTO SOME AREAS OF LIFE I DIDN’T THINK I WAS READY FOR ……BUT AM !
AND I AM SURE THE POETIC NUDGE OR MUSIC NUDGE FROM HEART WILL COME SOON ………….THANK YOU FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEART XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
BLESSINGS AND MORE BLESSINGS …..
AND TODAY WAS TRULY SPECIAL …..
HUGGS AND SLEEP WELL ………
THANKS FOR EVOKING AND BEING SUCH A GRACEFUL COZY HUMAN XOXOXO
LOVE XOXO
CAT
Funny, I experienced the same hail and rain Sunday night and it was quite the storm! I am so thankful to God for giving me the words to inspire, and the bravery to share them. Putting yourself out there, is not easy, but worthwhile. Or as Wayne Gretzky says, “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.” It really reminds me to keep trying.
Thanks to all of you, such love and support, I’m also finally coming out of my shell, alhumdulillah, and will try to meet people in my community after a long three year hiatus of isolation, sadness, and feeling depressed. I’m still wobbly, but I know I have all of you to back me up.
Your belief in me, makes me fly. Dear Angel, thank you. Alhumdulillah.
Pink.
HAPPY TINGLES OF JOY .,…..!!!!!!!!!!
WE ALL HAVE SHELLS RIGHT ….
WHAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THIING —–
THE OPENING OF THAT SHELL TO SEE THE PEARL ….:)
THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOO PURE……..:)
PURE YOU
PURE INDIVIDUALITY
Woo.. Love the pearl of individuality. Love! Thank you for being the shell of warmth…
Pink.
I THINK I READ IT WHEN I WAS A KID ……
I CAN’T REMEMBER – BUT I THINK IT HAD SOME COOL METAPHORS IN IT …..:)
I HAVE TO FIND IT ONLINE AND RE-READ…..
WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS BUT WE ARE ALL THE SAME IN OUR HEARTS XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
I CAN’T WAIT TO READ WHAT’S COMING UP ,,,,,,,,,,,IN THE PINK WORLD OF YOU XO
Awww!!! Pink World! I love the kittehs! They remind us all to love each other’s souls instead of what we represent. At times, I have found my headscarf brings on different red hues in people, and I struggle. I have since been more confident, in pushing back with a confident red of my own, but it’s so draining.
The Pearl! I definitely would like to read it! And of course, more of your posts too!
Cat World! 
Pink.
AWWW………..:)
HI PINKY PEARL …….
JUST BE WHO YOU ARE MY SWEET ——–
WHAT’S THAT AWESOME QUOTE DR. SEUSS SAYS – LEMME FIND IT
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
Dr. Seuss
NO ONE LIKE YOU IN THE WHOLE WORLD ……..
LOL ……..HERE IS THE LINK ….
NO ONE CAN WALK IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS BUT YOU ….
BUT WE ARE ALL THE SAME
RIGHT – IN THE HEART ……..:)
THAT’S WHERE WE ARE ALL THE SAME ….XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
YEAH I GOTTA READ “THE PEARL ” AGAIN …..
IT’S NUDGING ME TO READ IT – AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pearl_(novel)
IT’S TOO HOT TO THINK THIS AFTERNOON …LOL ……..
I AM JUST PLAYING IN WOMBANIA AND WRITING A LITTLE BIT O STUFF AND THEN GONNA GO SWIM TO COOL THE BRAIN …LOL
NO CONSTRUCTION JACKHAMMERS TODAY ……THANK GOODNESS …..XO
WISHING YOU A BEAUTIFUL AFT …..
AND JUST ENJOY XOXOXO
Wow, the Pearl is such an excellent analogy to my life, thank you! And I love the Dr. Seuss quote! It cheered me up as I prepare to face a man at work, my boss, who I feel so uncomfortable with. Maybe I should start wearing a porcupine outfit.
Or Wombania would be better!
Woo, no hammers today! Hope you enjoyed your swim! Thank you for being my lovely dip into the pinker side of my heart. I needed that. Thank you.
Pink.
LOL
HEY THAT WOULD BE A GOOD LOOK – QUILLS 
LOL XXOXOXO
WISHING YOU THE BEST WITH THE BOSS MAN ……………STAY STRONG XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Awww… thank you! He’s suppose to arrive any minute.
I shouldn’t be so scared of him. He should be scared of me. I give him a look to make him feel like a smurf.
MWHAHAHAHAH
Pink.
A SMURF !!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL
….
LOL
OMG YOU ARE CUTE …..
I AM SO GLAD IT WENT WELL
HUGE HUGGS AND HUGE HAPPINESS FOR YOU
PS- I LIKE SMURFETTE THOUGH
XOXOXO
Smurfette my favorite! LOVE! LOVE!
I KNOW RIGHT —–
LOL
SHE IS BLUE …LOL
MY OLD FAVOURITE COLOUR
I USED TO LINE UP MY SMURFS AS A KID .,……
AND MAKE PLAYS FOR THEM ……! LOL
WHAT A DORK ! I AM
XO
HAHA.. Soo cute!!! No dorky at all! I would have done the same if I owned them. HAHAH… I was tempted to buy them when I saw them in Indigo.
Pink.
HAHAHAHAH…..
XO LOL 
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU TODAY ……
THEY SELL THEM AT INDIGO NOW ?
YIKES ……
IT’S TEMPTING
VERY TEMPTING
They totally did! Well, in November when the movie came out last year… they may have some still? Ah yes, they do! http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/toys/search/?keywords=smurfs&cookieCheck=1
OH MY GOODNESS ………………….
……………….. YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IS SO COOL 
YOU KNOW THE STORE HOT TOPIC …?
MY PULSE JUST WENT UP …:) XO
MAYBE I WILL HEAD ON OVER AND GET A BUNCH OF SMURFS AND MAKE PLAYS AGAIN
I LIKE THIS GUY – HIS NAME IS DOMO ……
HOLD ON …
LET ME FIND HIM ….:)
HE IS SOOOOO FUNNY
I JUST FOUND THE T-SHIRT YOU SHOULD WEAR NEXT TIME U HAVE A CHATT WITH YOUR BOSS ……
CHECK THIS …..
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Tshirts/GirlsTShirts//Domo+Like+A+Boss+Girls+T-Shirt-171209.jsp
HOPE THE LINK GOES THRU …..:)
I LOVE DOMOKUN!! LOVE!!!! HAHA.. I was sooo tempted to buy them when I saw them.. hahaa.. Hope you enjoy!
And have a fabulous weekend! Me gots to study 300 pages for a job interview next Tues, oh boy! Let’s see if God thinks they will be good for me!
And yes, it’s for my #1 Career Passion. 
Pink.
My dad killed himself when I was six. The times that it really affected me was at college during Parent’s Day and Parent’s Weekend.
Wow, that’s definitely a traumatic experience. And yet, from reading your blogs, joyous moments, and photos, one could never tell that such a memory existed. I’m sure it has made you that much stronger, appreciative, and courageous. Prayers and wishes for the very best for you. Ameen.
Pink.
What a touching piece(-_-) beside that ,lovely and cute photos same as your hear(^_^)
Awww.. thank you soo much. Yes, it was definitely my fourth most difficult piece to write, but definitely worthwhile. I feel a lot lighter for getting it out, alhumdulillah. Thank you sooo much for the warm heart gesture.
It mirrors your own too. 
Pink.
I’m so sorry to miss typing one alphabet at the last of my comment! correct is YOUR HEART!!! (*^^)v But I’m sure you alredy catch what I meant!
HAHAH.. yes!
HAHA 
Pink.
I can relate.
That’s not easy, thank you for sharing your support.
Pink.
The post is beautiful, and the kittens, I could hug them all. Blessings to you!
Thank you so much! Yes! I would hug them all too! Ironically, I’m actually quite terrified of cats and kittens. HAHA.. this brings them up close and personal.
Pink.
Tough stuff Pink. But you seem to be very together for someone who’s lived through so much. Hoping you find the answers to your questions, and decide who you want to be, rather than be defined by your origins. Kind regards
Thank you soooo much! Your thoughts are so warm and refreshing, thank you.
Pink.
you did great here Pink…
I skip father’s dad…now if there was a biological-sperm-donor-day
I could…welll I would think of something appropriate LOLs
you would be surprised how many Empathize(( not sympathize) with you here
I decded two kids…two years apart…and would raise them the exact opposite
of how I was raised….I succeeded…and even though I am who I am, my two don’t seek a head-shinker (can’t spell that long psy word tonight) and my grandkids are doing okay too…
you be you…and that is the best gift you can yourself and your kids…and their dad..
really…a great post….now wish your dad great happiness a thousand miles away….
he’s personality won’t grasp kindness but you will have sent out the best energy to surround him and come back to you 10-fold…
Take Care Pink…
You Matter…
)0(
ladyblue
.
Thank you sooo very much for this encouragement. How timely this advice is as for some reason I missed seeing this on WordPress. Ironically, i spent time with my ex step step father tonight and it was reallynice. thank you soooo very much for your kind words. I will keep them with me always.