Thanks To: http://wannabephotographer87.wordpress.com

Wowee! There must be some serious love goin’ around as this is the second award for today! Masha’Allah. What a great way to make up for my um, lack lustre life.

Source: http://nuevosmemes.tk/bonsai-kittens-4/

Yes, thanks to you, WannaBePhotographer87, my bleak life is just that much more interesting with this creative outlet and incredible support of writers such as yourself. I would define it as more than just friendship as my own closest don’t know as much about me (thankfully, I think). Your supportive comments have truly made the difference between a miserable day or a more miraculous one.

Thank you for being my shining stars.

Source: flickrhivemind.net

By the way, the kitten with the crown is you (not me). I’m the sparkle in the background who looks to cheer you up.

The rules of the award are:

1. Add the award to your blog
2. Thank the blogger who gave it to you
3. Mention 7 Random Things about yourself (geez, I’m real good at that)
4. List the rules (check!)
5. Pass on the Award to 15 or more bloggers (I like that MORE part)

Now, before you scurry for your name as I’m just as eager to reveal it, we must learn seven useless facts about me, that you may find amusing:

1. I had auditioned to be a cheerleader, only to be beaten out by my ex-boyfriend.

Source: http://www.catfails.com/happy-birthday-will-ferrell/

2. I secretly like the song, “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen

Source: http://www.theittybittykittycommittee.com/

3. I sing, “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction, and make myself blush.

Credit: ©iStockphoto.com/Mehmet Salih Guler

4. My favorite shows are: The Office, Vampire Diaries, and Nikita

5. If I could be a superhero, it would be Storm, from X-Men. Weather control, oh yeah!

6. I have a secret fear of choking on seeds. I avoid all watermelon, grapes, oranges, etc. Yes, even if they’re seedless. You just never know.

Source: http://www.funnycatsite.com/pictures/Cat_Vs_Watermelon.htm

7. I have sprained my ankle six times in two years. And yes, that’s a lot of armpit burn.

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Enough TMI, here is the FYI of the super fly!

Versatile Blogger Award in random order goes to… (and forgive me if I have not included you as of yet. Or if I have and your awards shelf is overloaded. No pressure to re-post, hence I won’t even notify you of this great burden. Yup. You’ll have to discover this nugget on your own:

1. Ruby and Wheaky: my first fan I believe, and a very versatile blog with cute guinea pigs and wrabbits! And life in Maine. Fascinating blog!

2. Life in the Dash Lane: love, life, and everything else in between. She writes it all!

3. The Narcissist’s Blog: I think she has every award including this one. And some blogs are racy, or bring you to tear puddles. Very interesting blog!

4. Cat Forsley: she’s simply gorgeous in her writing, and in how much love she gives to her readers too

5. The Write Transition: she makes me laugh until my guts hurt inside. Thanks Carrie!

6. Search 4 A Soul Mate: a truly amazing blog on the search for a soul mate by looking within ourselves

7. Benzeknees: love her tag line, “a frustrated writer, who is her own worse enemy”

8. Walter Doege: poetry that makes me whimsical with my worries

9. The Wandering Mind: cool posts about the wonderings of the mind

10. The Better Man Projects: inspirational man of his journey to not only a fit heart, but healthy body as well

11. Air Cooled Underware: I just LOVE the title of his site

12. This is Unique: wonderful insight into the life of a young teenager in the UK

13. Peaceful Social Worker: amazing insight from the perspective of a social worker in Ontario

14. Pat Cegan: simply timely lovely poetry

15. Julie Catherine: the struggles and hopes of helping another

16. Andy1076: amazing photos, poetry, and thoughtful reflections

17. Stephy: I absolutely love her thoughts, poetry, and posts

18. Terry1954: I think I’m her biggest fan as she writes like a movie playing in my head in helping her brother with Parkinson’s

19. Linda Vernon: definitely a wonderful array of humor, writing challenges, and the like

20. Mirjam Fels: site undergoing renos, but can’t wait when it’s up!

21. Jerry Mahoney: aka Mommy Mom, gay superdad whose love and care for his children makes us realize how much we have in common as parents

22. P.S. I Love Soap Co.: makes me feel all bubbly inside every time I read her posts of soap making adventures!

23. Reflections in a Puddle: weekly photo challenges and a real lovely kind writer

24. Anna Sikes: a deep writer, inspiring blog for Christians and those whose faith alike

25. Marina Kanavaki: I guarantee her paintings will leave you breathless. Absolutely phenomenal artist.

26. Miss Moots: a young hijabi in her life abroad

27. Introverted Blogger: just her blog title should be enough to capture you

28. Jennifer M. Eaton: not only do I love her gravatar, I love her blog too!

29. My Ideal Woman: wonderful insight from Ben’s perspective

30. Lady Blue Rose: amazing poetry, vivid imagery, and a vacay for the mind

31. Russel Ray Photos: camps on your site, so cool!

32. Japan and Korea: Life Language and Religion: amazing insight into the adventures out East

33. Kenneth Author: brutal male honesty (with profanity and adult situations included)

34. George. Jessie. Love: an amazing parent whose transgendered 10 year old son/daughter goes through the transitions of life

Now, for those who I have missed, it’s because you haven’t written a post in awhile and I’m not sure if you have fallen off the face of the earth. Or, your awards are so many, I’ll make you blush with another.

Thank you to all of you and more for being the applause to my heart.

Credit: Usually Blue http://www.flickr.com/photos/tammyaliphotography/

Thanks To: http://carrierubin.com

What an amazing way to start the day, thanks to The Write Transition, who nominated all her readers, I am doing the same in nominating YOU, with the Beautiful Blogger Award!

Source: sodahead.com

Don’t be so stunned. Your writing is amazing, wonderful in fact. This isn’t about me, it’s about YOUR beauty, each and everyone of you. And because I feel like a scum bug when I only name a few, I’m following the Write Transition tradition and gifting you each with this. Yes, yes, you poor victims. Here are the rules:

Thank the Gifter, and pass the honor along to seven other bloggers, and keep writing, inspiring loving and living in joy and beauty!

What’s that you say? You want me to name each and every one of you! Forget the seven max limit, just embarrass us all?

Ha! I know you will comment, like or bamboozle me with your cheer on this post, and that will be evidence of your joyous beauty! Yup! Save me the work as I clasp onto this award with eager claws.

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Let’s celebrate you! You amazing boost-me-up-when-I-feel-like-a-poopy-head supporter!

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I hope you know how beautiful you are!

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What’s that, you’re looking at who you sat on to receive this compliment. Why it’s you, silly!

Source: attackofthecute.com

Just in case you didn’t know how wonderful you are… I hope you always remember. Ameen.

Source: favim.com

Thanks to Search 4 A Soul Mate, it opened my eyes as to the colours we see in people.

Recently, my colleague and I engaged in ‘let’s prove who’s viewpoint matters the most battle.’ Ultimately, realizing that her thoughts were more important than my feelings, I stated that we should agree to disagree.

Apparently, she obsessed over it this weekend, and instead of enjoying my quiet solitude, I was interrupted by a text message that she wishes to discuss this again next week. So much for blogging about how much I love this city, a comforting new home.

Now, my fight or flight reaction leans towards the latter and having to confront her unhelpful anecdotes of how I can do things better while also addressing her public displays of indecency led to a much heated argument with her defense that she does not wish to be told what to do. This perplexes me as she had told me cleavage on either end appreciated such alerts. Instead, I find myself pushing her back in stating I will not revisit this disagreement again as everyone is right in their own opinion (see Difficult Conversations by Bruce Patton), and let’s move on.

Instead, she pushes me out of the way with her viewpoints. It’s the only thing that matters to her. It doesn’t matter how I feel, think or what I’m entitled to.

This. Is. Not. Friendship.

I blocked her off my FaceBook.

And I’m super hurt and angry that this is how I get to end my weekend. Having to mentally prepare for a new bully next week.

Maybe I just produce them with my mind.

Or, this is a new opportunity to test my skills in verbal karate:

Source: cutestuff.co

1. Drop kick opponent with your refusal to engage in battle.

Source: lurvely.com

2. Reaffirm with karate chop that this IS the end of this discussion.

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3. Position your stance firmly in defense of your standpoint.

Source: funnycutepics.com

4. Block punches with affirmations that this will not be tolerated.

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5. Bow, and leave the fight. Do not engage. Walk forward to the nearest exit.

Source: tonymacknews.blogspot.com

6. Have green tea with REAL friends who don’t use you as target practice.

Source: catsdo.com

Wow.

It helps to know that anyone can bully, but not everyone will bully me. I REFUSE to become a victim of this much-ado-about-nothing. In fact, I’m still not sure what on earth the argument is about.

Maybe she’s not even fighting me.

I have learned that often negative energy is misdirected. More easily applied to me rather than to whom it should be directed to.

I am not the source of their problem. I WAS an easy target instead.

Forget this.

Friends don’t make minced meat out of your heart.

Source: soifound.com

Friends don’t use your vulnerability to make themselves stronger.

Source: demoncraticunderground.com

Friends don’t attack you because their ego got in the way.

Source: feverishthoughts.com

Friends don’t misuse you for their anger that they can’t direct appropriately.

Source: funnykittensite.com

Friends promote peace, kindness, and bigger picture, what-the-heck-will-this-matter-in-ten-years.

Source: 67notout.com

God help me block, defend, and stand up for my rights to respect. I’m entitled to it.

Now… where is my army…

Ah yes, you!

Source: funnykittensite.com

Thank you for always backing me up whenever I need it. Your prayers are my force field. Ameen.

Song: “What About Your Friends”, TLC

What I learned from Nikita: I’m tired of running. I can learn to fight. This can mean walking away. But only because I have defended myself. Ameen.

Thanks to yet another great post by Life in the Dash Lane, I finished reading (four hours it soaked), “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” by Steve Harvey.

I really wish I had read this umpteen years ago.

Three years ago today, my marriage ended, and my sweet anniversary gift is learning from my mistakes.

The first being, I married someone who wasn’t looking to invest in “us”, thanks to my lowered (nearly non-existent) standards of what I wanted in a husband. Add to that poor timing with his lowered ability to provide financially, it ultimately led to his sunken esteem, possessive behavior, and flippant mood swings.

It certainly didn’t help that I chipped away at his confidence in reminding him of how successful I was, and how much more money I made (and yes, I hope to NEVER do this to someone again). How much more of a sacrifice it would be for me to move closer to him. Add to that, my outbursts in anger which crippled his confidence, and constant tit for tat behavior. Let’s just say, I have learned what NOT to act like unless you want to dissolve your marriage. My fear is failing in this promise.

I didn’t appreciate him enough. He wasn’t commitment ready. I didn’t respect him as I should. He was battling financial turmoil. I proclaimed my independence too much. He didn’t feel needed. I felt financially superior. His wallet felt inferior. I insulted his honor and criticized his mother’s behavior towards me. He felt attacked. I threw ultimatums of break-ups. He threw them back with tears. I cried in demanding from him that which I should have fixed myself. He felt helpless when I asked him to leave me.

It is most humbling to realize the part you play in the trauma of your lives. To offset my responsibility is to lose the power to change for the better.

Every guy needs to be given a 90 day probationary period. Inquire about his short and long term goals, his view of relationships, and what he thinks and feels about you. We must observe if he’s in it to throw us back or a keeper.

Is he in a position to provide for you? Does he profess his love? And does he protect you. There are many guys I’ve met who are wonderful, but simply aren’t ready for a commitment. Often, he is trying to focus on who he is, what he does, and how much he makes to achieve his mission before he can settle down. Now it makes sense to me when my ex said, “once I achieve such and such career goals and finances, I want to be with you.” Or when he said, “I’m divorcing you so that you can be with a better provider. Like a lawyer.” And of course, “because you asked for it.”

Guys are simple. Love. Support. Loyalty. And the “cookie”. They are not our girlfriends. They need to fix stuff. And we need to let them be there for those repairs without offsetting our responsibilities as well. Steve Harvey made me realize today, the power I have to samurai my life into better pieces, and to let go of the fear. Embrace opportunity instead. Insha’Allah.

Source: garagebandpunk.deviantart.com

Ameen.

Thanks to both Life in the Dash Lane, and My Ideal Woman, it got me thinking…

I need to stop kicking myself in the bucket.

Source: weheartit.com

Reverse Bucket Listing is the idea of making a list of what you have accomplished instead of constantly focusing on what you have yet or not accomplished. And Reverse Anti-Bucket Listing is voicing what you never wanted to do, but did anyway.

Drum roll please:

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Homeless at 16 years old, nearly ending up on the streets (or becoming one), and managing three jobs at a time, led to 30 plus occupations, and over a dozen addresses (I’ve lost count), while not becoming addicted to substances or exploitative work for the sake of a living. And yet somehow, out of all this, still managing to hold a degree of trust, love, and care for the world. It nearly killed me to stay alive, but somehow, God kept me in His care. I can’t express how grateful I am to Him. He saves me from situations. Alhumdulillah. Ameen.

Source: theberry.com

Somehow managing to stay alive despite brutal bullying experiences ever since I was nine years old, and sporadically throughout my working adulthood, recently these past three years: I can’t express how psychologically damaging workplaces can be when they are toxic: the severity in deterioration of personality, well-being, and moods. It is simply, a new form of playground kicking, splayed out in the workplace. It needs to be taken more seriously. Ameen.

Source: activedesktopwallpapers.com

There are too many things I never thought I would do. Getting a divorce was not planned on the wedding day. Losing a pregnancy feels so horrific to me. Moving outside of Toronto was UNIMAGINABLE (what’s outside of Toronto anyhow?) . Having over 30 jobs seems a bit too Jennifer Garner’s Alias. Moving every two years (or less) for 16 years seems like a ritual. And yes, how impossible was it to become Muslim, wear a headscarf, change my name, pray five times a day, fast for 30, and learn to read and write Arabic.

I’m shocked by my $70k in debt. Thanks to my delay in learning how to control finances (this I TOTALLY regret), the lesson I learn is to take care of myself instead of the Bank of Pink Ninjabi. Teenagers should not be promoted credit cards.  Savings IS important or be stuck with bullies you can’t leave until another trapeze swings along. We must delay, plan, and differentiate between wants and needs.

Source: kittenwallpaper.org

I didn’t think I would be this isolated either. I’ve always pictured myself as a social butterfly (which I am in Toronto, but not so much in this new city of sparseness). I didn’t think I could fly away from my family. I sit here, hoping for a dream to come brew. It feels selfish, but necessary. Lonely, but cocooning.

And who knew I would become a writer, sharing my life, have more readers than toes, with the delight of shining with you fine folks everyday!

Celebrate you!

Source: kitten-pictures.com

She kept my letters all these years. *Gush.

What a contrast such love is. Compared to gruelling moments with a friend acquaintance yesterday. Validate my feelings instead of questioning them. Stop providing “this is how I would have done it better” anecdotes. Or grinning when I express how much something offends me.

Isn’t it funny that you can be quarrelling with one person on how to be a better support to you, and the next day, an old friend of many years, breathes the very statement that, “True friends don’t require explanations, and liars won’t believe you anyhow”.

Last night, was a tough reality check to where I belong. I am trying too hard to fit in. Ingratiating myself for acceptance. Forget it. It’s time to just grow where I am strong.

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Unique. Perhaps unknown territory. Something fresh and exciting.

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I don’t fit any moulds. We often don’t. Masha’Allah.

Source: quick-good-fortune.com

Ameen.

One of the challenges in adopting a new way of life, is reconciling the differences between your old self and your new self. Becoming a Muslim chick, being born Canadian, and with a heritage of Chinese culture has been, to say the least, a mixture of adjustment:

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It will be ten years this November, since embracing Islam, a peaceful way of life, and well, the transition, can be quite the adjustment, to say the least. Sometimes, I feel like I’m living a dream. But today, I was reminded of the mercy of God, which is greater than His punishment.

Phew!

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Part of the challenge is feeling like you don’t belong to either worlds: Canadian or Muslim. I don’t date or party (anymore), and I also don’t jive with cultural gatherings where I’m the only one who’s um, different:

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So, I end up being stared at with shock in both communities. My friends, of both worlds, attest to that. I just stopped looking up or down at people. I keep my eyes focused. But still, it can be pretty isolating and lonely:

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And with this, many Muslim converts end up isolating themselves, based on the negative experiences from either community. Eventually, this estrangement can leave you feeling:

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This is the reason why many Muslim converts, leave Islam within the first 3 years, an astonishing 74%. I can’t describe how painful this is, because the joy we found in embracing this peaceful way of life (for the most part), is often tarnished by the negative examples we see in the community. The past ten years, I would say this is true for almost 99% of the cases where many of my friends have left, converted into something new or reverted to something old, often because of:

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What is the solution? Whatever someone chooses, we support them. Even if it’s different from ourselves. We become that positive experience, looking at the similarities. Our hearts.

Source: favim.com

Ameen.

P.S. Thank you for being my colourful cover.

Craft Hope has always been my favorite in crafting projects, letting out those creative juices, to make something really, very special for someone out there in the world.

Interview with Jade Sims: http://www.larkcrafts.com/craft-your-life/jade-sims-interview/

Currently, they have Project 17: Aprons for Haiti that are handmade, and mailed to an address specified in the USA by May 31, 2012, as they take it to them directly (and often post photos and the like).  And yes, I have totally gushed in seeing my gift worn by a little girl for  a Russian orphanage project last summer:

Ironically, I actually don’t own an apron. HAHAHA. Yes. It took me six months to get a can opener. But I figured with your prayers for this project, and any hope I have in making one, these women in Haiti will feel da love. Insha’Allah.

With my creative savvy, I would prefer to ‘wing’ it, although I’ll be likely shopping for pattern ideas. I’m hoping to make a half skirt style like this chick did:

I love the simplicity of it, and I’ll be shopping for washable, pastel warm fabrics. Who knows, maybe if I like it that much, I can send it to my male and female readers as a gift! Woo! Feel free to RSVP in advance.

So, feel free to join me in this adventure.

More details at: Haiti by Hand http://www.haitibyhand.typepad.com/

Source: http://attackofthecute.com/on/?i=1334

Today, thanks to all your prayers and well wishes, I woke up with a strong fight within me. I stood up for myself. It felt really good to assert the right to respect and decent behavior that I deserve as a human being. I know that my actions don’t guarantee the results I’m looking for, but I know that in pushing back, I am demonstrating that I’m not someone to be messed with, alhumdulillah:

And believe it or not, watching Nikita, starting from Season One, also reminded me of that. You are so much stronger when you remember that you don’t deserve to be mistreated, and that no one has the right to disrespect you continuously without being told where to go. Politely, of course.

Being assertive doesn’t mean you always get what you want. But it does mean you feel better for having expressed yourself professionally, clearly, and directly regarding what you want and need. It really helped to address my concerns with my immediate boss, and explaining to him why such behavior from others is detrimental to my well-being. I am tough, I told him, but even this ridiculous behavior from others has it’s limits. He completely agreed, and will look to continue his support. Insha’Allah.

But, it’s not over yet. Just like thorns in one’s backside, there will always be those who CHOOSE to behave differently from what is cooperative, team-oriented, and honest. But that’s the thing, we must choose who we want to become. My dark side, or the better part of me that knows that after the storms within, clouds will clear, and the horizon will appear, only if I look for one.

Ameen.

Song: “What About Your Friends”, TLC (thanks for being the kindest of friends).