So I spent half my day debating of whether or not to order pizza, only to finally succumb to the pressure and order one. It wasn’t as amazing as I expected, which thus confirmed what my friend told me three hours earlier, that everything is a blanket. Sigh. At least it was only a $27.98 lesson. I’ve been so good with my budget, I can’t falter now just because it’s Eid and I found it slightly depressing that I’m here all by myself with no sacrificed lamb to be made into a yummy tangine by my ex-husband. So what if I didn’t go to the prayer today because I find the experience unbearably lonely with all the families, children, and married couples around me with fancy outfits, gifts, and laughter? Who am I to feel special? In trying to make dimples in my life, my friend reminds me that you are only as content as who you are right now because wherever you go, there you are. Yes, I can go to Paris. Sure, I could have gone to the prayer. But it doesn’t make you feel less lonely, or better because you bring yourself with you. Thus, whether you are here or there, it is all a blanket, it is all the same. She asks me if I won a million dollars what would I do? I answered, I would sleep in. And I would still work (much to my surprise). She replies that well, you can do that now, even without a million dollars. Even without a husband, there are many things I can do. I remember striking this Eureka! when I divorced. That marriage isn’t a starting point to my life, it is a continuation of it instead. It’s amazing how we forget.
I’m really hoping my ex doesn’t call me today. It’s like his tradition. Let’s pretend it’s still okay to talk to each other. That I still should care. I can’t anymore. This blanket of coma, and confusion isn’t covering me anymore. I need to stand up, get up, and walk forward. I never thought this would happen. As my wedding anniversary approaches (which for some reason I can’t remember but I know it’s in November. Nov 15th? 27th? Heck, I can’t remember). I was tempted a month ago to just buy a wedding dress, wear it and sit in my living room eating chocolate cake. There’s something about a wedding dress that for me, I need not wait for a wedding day. Let’s just perform the ceremony in my living room every now and then. Remind myself that I don’t need a guy to wear the dress for. I want to wear it for me.
I also wanted to buy a wedding ring for myself too. Boy are they expensive. Why are weddings so expensive. I say, they should be as cheap as possible, don’t let the retailers win. I want to feel pretty. And I don’t need a guy to do it. I think all the single chicks should have a gathering, wearing wedding dresses, rings, and chat about where they are going to take themselves for a honeymoon. I find the travel industry though, discriminatory as they charge you more for being single than if you are double occupancy. Makes no sense to me. Maybe one day this will change and single occupancy will be seen as an advantage. Vacation sales would soar. Scores of single woman lined up to buy tickets to Waikiki, no mate required.
As I digest the rather bland pizza (alhumdulillah, a deterrent from take- out, should make my own instead- cheaper and yummier) that I hoovered that was below my expectations but made for a nice photo, I realize that in living up to the standards of celebration and festivity for this day, I am losing my grip on what is most important to me. Savings. In trying to be fashionable and appearance conscious, I am submitting my willpower over to vanity. Forgiveness. And in thinking I need to be with someone to be happy, I am not building my esteem to take care of myself first. Commitment. May I continue to work on all three. Ameen.