May we learn to accept what is best and not desire what is not ours, insha’allah. Wow. Upon reading these words, a flood of memories pierce into my heart. Story of my life. I mean, how do you not desire what you dream of? Or are our dreams meant to stay as bits of our imagination? Or is it a warning to keep ourselves humble with what we have instead of looking for what we don’t got. I am humbled by how much I have to learn as a new Muslim. How do I know if I’m a good Muslim? I make istikhiraa and ask Allah to give me acceptance for what is not great for me, distance it from me, close my heart to it, and to bless me in the things that are good for my success in this life and in the hereafter. I feel the harshness of these words as I think about my past marriage, in forcing what Allah knew was not best for me. My mind also drifts to my crush, and having released him to be with someone much better for him than me. But have I really let him go? What choice do I have? My method of abstinence is reminding myself of the diamonds I have met, and how they would feel if I developed memories with him. And yet I must try very hard to stay away, fight my whims to be kind to him, and distance myself as much as I can, as hard as it is. Fighting your nafs, your inner selfish desires, is one of the hardest battles I face in life. Thinking about other people’s hearts, and feelings above my own is very painful at times, but necessary to be a good human being, which I hope adds to my muslimness.
I need to move on from my attachment to people, and move forward to a better place. A place where I can be of benefit to others without losing myself in the process. A place where I can be as amazing as angels, as my teacher has told me to be. And a place where my deen can grow with the support around me. I’m cultivating the land around me slowly, and hope my seeds grow. Ameen.